I'm Fine But —"

"What do you do?", new people I meet will ask me. "I'm a designer and book author", I tell them. Yes, a designer AND author. Pretty ironic though that this author hasn't been able to write anything for the past two years. Not even a single page. I even struggle in writing a blog post nowadays. I told this to my husband the other day and he said to me, "just write whatever is in your head at the moment". Ah, yes. How could I have forgotten that. Perhaps I have been asleep for too long. 

"How are you?" 

"I'm fine", I will most often reply with a smile. I'm fine, I really am. I just like to omit the second sentence which is supposed to follow, which actually depicts more of the reality. 

 "I'm fine. But, my life is complicated". 

My life is complicated. I just don't tell people. I want to be honest with you. Having an autistic child is not easy. It's far from easy. It's like having the stress and exhaustion of raising a toddler, but multiplied by 10. Just multiply everything by 10; patience, strength, effort, time, energy. As a family, our dynamics are completely different. Our routine is different. We cannot do what other families do. We do what other families don't do. When it's summer and everyone heads to the beach, we go to the mountains because we will always look for a place where no one is around. It's a quiet life far from others, but very noisy within our very own. Our son is very loud, always screaming. And so I learn to be quiet, to balance the noise. Our son turned 7 this year, and yet we still do the exact same things since 5 years ago. He still eats the same food, watches the same cartoon, likes the same toys, and for us parents, we relive these moments every single day like a loop. It's very repetitive. I wish there was a "Stop" and "Next" button in our lives, but there isn't. So I learn to accept that this is my story. Our story. 

As our son's screaming becomes louder day by day, the noise in my head has too. The volume levels are just so high my head hurts. They say it takes a village to raise a child. But where is that village? I don't see it. I am certainly not in it. In this whole wide world, there are only two family members who actually care, support and help us in dealing with our life-with-autism struggles. Said two people are my own mom and dad. The others just look at us, as if their stares help moreover make us feel any better. There is no village. It's a very small circle. The definition of 'family' has been redefined in my head.

My life is complicated, but I'm fine. I have learned to compartmentalise the things in life so one does not affect the other. I don't let our complications affect me in being me. I'm still my old cheerful self who loves life. I still get up excited for Mondays (new week woohoo!), I still get dressed, I still work, I still create, I am still grateful for all of it. I am learning to untangle this tangled ball of yarn that is my head, and perhaps writing can help. Just remember: never let your struggles defeat you. 

Hello, November.

Here we are. November. Many countries are now in their second lockdown. We all thought it was going to end in June, or September, but nope. 

How am I? I feel terribly homesick. I feel worried about my parents to my bones. I feel stuck. I feel trapped in a place where it's actually home but there's another place that feels more like home and I want to be there rather than here.

To be there, not here. Doesn't that sound ungrateful though? Because truthfully, you are always where you ought to belong. You are destined to be here wherever 'here' is. Here is a destiny. You just need to see it and make the most out of it.

Is Social Media Toxic? I Don't Think So.

If you feel like you need a break from social media, or as they say, a "social media detox", maybe...maybe you're simply following the wrong accounts. In my opinion, your feed should be your mood booster, your daily source of inspirations. Instagram-ing should be that time where you get to scroll and smile and feel "oh wow that's awesome" and motivate you to do or feel great afterwards. 

In order to do this, I highly suggest you to follow accounts that showcase their work, NOT their looks or latest purchases or which fancy hotel they are currently at. Follow "ideas" so you feel inspired, not "somebody's life" that leaves you feeling jealous or left out or eager wanting to keep up. 

If you're into fitness, follow accounts that make you feel like you want to move and exercise because it will make you feel happy and good about yourself, not a fitness account that makes you feel like you need to have that perfect peachy butt. The goal is to be healthy and fit, not necessarily toned with flat abs and a thigh gap. This is the difference. We do not need to fall into the trap that a "great body" is a body that is _____. Embrace your own body. Stay active to be healthy. Do not be obsessed with a certain look or body weight. 

If you're into fashion, follow accounts that make you understand that style is personal and fashion should make you feel empowered. Understand that one does NOT need to keep up with the fast pace of fashion influencers always having the latest 'it' bags. It is an illusion, a competition you do not need to participate in. Here's an example why: many fashion influencers often share photos of them with new designer bags regardless these bags were gifted to them or borrowed. Imagine an actual follower wanting to always keep up with their favorite influencer, said follower would actually spend $1,500 for that bag. Ironically, the actual influencer didn't even own / buy that bag, they just took pictures with it as photo props. It's nobody's fault, of course. But while fashion influencers keep sharing new #OOTDs that make you want to buy what they are wearing, they are not spending a dime. In contrary, a follower might end up spending all their salary for the things they see on social media trying to replicate somebody else's feed. So stop. Buy the things YOU actually love. Shop smarter. Browse an actual shop yourself and see which products truly make you fall in love. Buy something because it sparks joy in YOU, not because somebody on Instagram was wearing it.

If you're into traveling, I suggest following a certain #hashtag compared to following a traveling influencer. Sometimes, we get caught up with the person instead of the actual place. Instead of thinking "oh what a beautiful island, I need to save up to visit that place soon", as human beings we often end up thinking "oh she's there and she's taking great photos there, I need to do that too", which basically means you're missing the point of traveling. Traveling should be about the place or the experience, not another bucket list competition because of your #FOMO with other people. By following a certain #hashtag like #waterfall or #lavenderfield, you're putting the emphasis on the place, not the person. 

I've been following only artists, designers, brands that I love so much and news / media accounts, and my Instagram is actually my happy place because I like what I see.

The Sun is Shining Bright

A reminder to do things in life because they make you happy. Do them with joy. Find joy in doing what you love. Don't dwell in numbers, don't be obsessed with results. You are not in a competition. Other people are not your competitors. Have fun. Learn from the process, learn from failures, enjoy your own pace, enjoy your own growth. Within your journey, do not forget to be kind..to yourself and to others. Life's short. Have lots of love inside you. ❤️

6 Months in 2020 Gone Already

Errrr...hello, July. I honestly wasn't expecting to see you so soon. Half a year is gone already, with most of us all still in lockdown, staying safe by staying at home. And it's not getting easier, isn't it? New issues keep arising, challenges are getting harder, but on another end, this year has been revolutionary too. 2020 is the year of awakening for a lot of us, where we were suddenly forced to adapt, learn new things, toughen up, confront our own anxieties, rediscover old hobbies, heal broken relationships, and little do we realize, things are actually getting better, just in a very different way. 2020 is definitely a year to remember, a beginning of a decade that I hope will make us much, much stronger.

Dear, Blog. I Love You.

Good evening, blog. Diana here. It's been a while, heh? Instagram took more of my time and attention I kinda neglected you. I apologize. I should never forget you because you, yes you, you were the one who was there for me since the early times - times when I was still discovering myself, when I was still soul-searching, times when I was still lost and still unsure on what I wanted to do in this life. You were my only friend who would listen to me, allowed me to write anything I wanted to without judging me. So thank you, dear blog. Thank you for growing with me..together.

This year this blog celebrates its 13th anniversary. Wow. Isn't this amazing? We have been bestfriends for 13 years already, hopefully for forever. When I started 'you', I was still in university doing my Masters. I met S at at that time. We were still dating. And today we have been married for 9 years already. We have 2 kids. Wow. Time flies so fast, just like that, and yet when I look at my old posts and old #OOTDs, I smile because I feel like I never changed. I'm still that crazy colorful girl who likes to experiment in clothes and do DIYs and I guess I love the fact that I never lost my identity. "Motherhood will change you", they say. But I don't feel that way. I'm still that crazy colorful girl who just happens to have two new little bestfriends in her life. I'm not good at being a mother, I think. I feel lost sometimes. But what if a "mother" is just a label? And what if in reality, I just want to be my children's best friend? Like we are. I want to be the kind of friend to my children who basically listens to each other, who grows together, who learns from each other, and just have fun and probably cry together - with no judgement. Just pure love and support. And empowerment and encouragement.

Oh, blog. You have no idea. It's been a crazy ride. My dreams have changed. My thinking about life has changed. I no longer desire to be that ambitious businesswoman I have always thought I was going to be. I have learned that the world is a better place when things are kept smaller, so that everyone gets equal opportunities to create and support each other, and most importantly, when we don't keep taking and taking and taking from mother earth. The trendy word is "sustainability", "the future of fashion" they say. But it's true. Fashion has been a selfish and very competitive industry it makes no sense now. Why the need for such extravagant fashion shows? Why do we need so many seasons of collections? Why do people need to buy new 'it' bags every 2 weeks just to show how updated you are on Instagram? It is exhausting. And money-consuming. Slow down, fashion. You are losing your essence. Shouldn't fashion celebrate the wearer - to make the wearer look good and FEEL good? If so, then it should never be a competition where everybody needs to run so fast they even forget to feel.

Anyway, it's late. I should be sleeping. Talk to you soon. Muah! :)

Hey, S.

Without meaning to be ungrateful to God, I truly feel that 2019 has been one of the most difficult year for me and my family. But amidst all the chaos in our life, I feel truly deeply grateful to have S as my husband, my bestfriend, my forever life partner. I often make fun of how "bad" he is, but truthfully, he has probably the best quality of a man one can seek for, and for that, I am blessed. I don't say this often, but S, I want you to know, I am the luckiest woman in this world for having you. I love you.

Fast Fashion: Make It Stop

After being an entrepreneur for 8 years, here’s one important thing I have learned; you don’t have to be big, but you have to be meaningful. It’s interesting, because everyone who decides to become an entrepreneur will usually dream to one day become as big as possible. “Scale up, scale up, scale up”. That’s what I thought and aimed for too, but it all changed after having myself exposed to new things that inspired me more. It all first started when I got interviewed by a startup investment company a few years ago, and upon our discussion, she told me that my dream was too small. I remember leaving the meeting room feeling really strange thinking about why she said what she said. I didn’t really know the answer at that time, but the thoughts continued to linger. Today, I understand fully and am very proud about it. I am proud because when I was offered to scale up my business, I did not want to. It just did not resonate with me. The idea of having a mass shoe brand that can be available in every shopping center was definitely tempting and sounded “really successful”, but I discovered that I was and am looking for something more than just scale and financial success. Perhaps because I’m not a businessman-entrepreneur, but more of an artist-entrepreneur. I am not obsessed with catering to what the market wants. I choose to design from my heart, design what connects to me personally, sell to people who share the same taste with me, and make the whole process meaningful. I take more pride in having an “indie brand” rather than a mass brand. Sometimes, keeping your brand small(er) allows you to sustain your brand values better too, because you are not under pressure to reach crazy sales target and end up in unnecessary price war. I want my customers to buy my idea, my original design, not buy something simply because it’s cheap and it looks like that piece you just saw on the runway.

In addition to all this, I have also learned how “fast fashion” is really, really bad. Brands like Zara, H&M, Fashion Nova, they are like heaven for trendy shoppers because in these shops, you can find so many new items every week at an affordable price with designs that really make you look always up-to-date. But have you seen Zara sale outlets that sell their past-season items? Even after 80% discounts, there are still A LOT of items remaining. Imagine this pile of discounted items in one store, happening in different cities, then in different countries. That’s A LOT of clothes that eventually when not sold, become waste and end up in the landfill. That’s just one source. Excess fabrics and production rejects from the factories, they also end up in the landfill. Clothes that we no longer wear and sometimes throw away because they look ‘too used’ to donate? They end up in the landfill too. That’s three major sources of clothes that become waste. That is A LOT of waste. Just like plastic, clothes are harmful for the environment too because a lot of fabrics contains chemicals that hurt the earth.

The solution? Buy clothes that you really love, that you will wear often, that “sparks joy”, and comes from companies that care better about the true essence of “style” and also the environment. Fast-fashion brands are crazy about 'speed' so that they can keep up with trend demands, and when you talk about speed, that means one thing too: they probably employ their workers to work day and night, to work long long hours and fast fast fast. It’s torture. And that so-called affordable price? It can only happen from lowering down the production cost by 1) paying their workers less, and 2) using cheap fabrics. Are we really gonna ignore this?

Buy local, buy from small entrepreneurs who really put value into their design and production processes. Buy original designs, not a rip-off or a knock-off. Appreciate the “idea” behind the things we buy. And appreciate that ideas have a price and those prices cannot always be “cheap”. A piece of clothing is a piece of artwork too. Learn to save up to buy quality rather than quantity. Lastly, learn to know your real style and not be obsessed with only following the trend. Learn to mix and match the things you already have so you can keep rewearing your items in different, exciting ways. Buy vintage, there’s nothing gross about it. 

All in all, give value to fashion. Give value to the clothes you wear, and when you wear them, wear them proud because you know they are representing something good.

To entrepreneurs: Know the kind of entrepreneur you want to be. You can seek for advice from coaches and investors but don’t let them steer you into becoming someone or something that does not feel right to you. Know where you stand and don’t let numbers blind you. Dream big, but in your own definition of “big”.

To consumers: Know that your fashion choices have a significant impact to a lot of people and also our earth too. Be mindful.

Goodbye, 2018.

Can’t believe it’s the last day of 2018 already. Wow. So what happened in 2018?

I walked a lot.

I ran a lot.

I ran with a toddler a lot.

I ran with a stroller a lot.

I ran with a stroller and a toddler a lot.

I became a sleep-deprived heavyweight multi-tasking woman who just ended up wanting to sleep during NYE 😂.

But on a more serious note...

I traveled to KL, Dubai, Barcelona, Provence, Sisteron, Torino, Amsterdam, Brussels, Lyon and many cities within Switzerland.

My business finally entered the US market by having UP available at Bando.

I launched a new SCHMILEYMO line for kids; SCHMILEYMO Kids.

Surprisingly, I was featured on both SRF and DW TV “Euromaxx” show ~ my first ever international television debut.

Showcased SCHMILEYMO in Dubai.

Did a fashion show for SCHMILEYMO in both Torino Fashion Week and Kuala Lumpur Fashion Week 2018.

Published my new children’s story book series; My Rainbow Days.

Won an award from Perempuan Bintang Awards 2018 for ‘Best Small and Medium-sized Enterprise’.

Moved in to a new beautiful apartment in Switzerland.

Decided to work on #88LOVELIFE Vol.04.

Finally did for the first time in my life: ice skating on real ice, toboganning, eat raw sushi, traveled to different cities by train alone.

Getting a life-sized statue made after me to be displayed in HVM St. Gallen museum.

In 2018, I also lost a very good friend who I hope now is resting well in heaven. Widya, you will be missed, always and forever. You will always be my inspiration, my mentor, a friend I really look up to. I love you.

In 2018, I also lost a best friend who decided to not be in touch with me anymore because she needs her own time to figure out her own life without me in it and I respect that. I will always wait for you to finally accept my calls again so we can chat 24/7 about movies, Hollywood celeb news and other nonsensical stuff like how we used to. I miss you and I love you.

2018 is so crazy and with all the happiness and sadness in it, I am grateful for everything that happened. Year after year, I am also more grateful for having S in my life. You deserve the #BestHusband award. ❤️

Happy 34 To Me

It's my birthday today, but somehow it just feels like any other day, nothing special. A lot has been going on lately that perhaps celebrating myself getting older was the least in my mind to think about. My gift to myself? Just dress up and feel good, that's all. I guess the older we get, the more disappointed we are towards a lot of things. As we become older, not only do we get wiser, but we also become more aware of the wrong things happening around us and they upset us so much. It's like the curse of knowing more. It's a beautiful irony. But then our wisdom is what helps us stay sane. Happy birthday, Diana.

Zara top, Topshop pants, Staud bag

A Love Letter To My Moonlight

Dear son,

I know our journey everyday to school is so tough especially for you. We take the bus, we take the train and we walk miles just to reach your school on a daily basis despite the weather that day. Regardless the heat, the rain, the freezing weather, the snow, from season to season, we do it all together with as much joy as possible. I know it is very tiring for you that you often fall asleep on the bus, and I would have to walk and carry you home even though you’re getting bigger and heavier day by day, and I would have backaches in the night. Your father has repeatedly offered me the easier way; to simply take the car and save so much hours for us. But I choose to wake ourselves up earlier and take the harder way. I do it because I love you. I do it because I want you to become a strong man. I want you to see the world, to feel alive, to be okay to sweat, to get soaked in rain, to just sit by the road eating biscuits together as you rest for a while. I do it because I want you to spend as much time on the streets and witness the many differences around us and be okay with it. I do it despite me often getting stares from people when you have your tantrums or put your feet on someone else’s lap and make them angry. I do it because all these little things, they will teach you. They will teach you in real life rather than theories found in books. You will see for yourself the cause and effect of doing things in public; what’s good, what’s bad, what’s proper, what’s rude. I do it because it is best for you, and whatever is best for you, is best for me. I just hope you will always remember our walks together and the silly songs I sing for you. You are my moonlight, the most beautiful one.

xoxo,
Mommy.

Go Go Girl Power

What does #GirlPower mean? To me, it means using our softness as our strength to touch people’s heart and spread compassion, to use both our intuition and intelligence in making bold decisions and create impact, and to use our natural ability in multitasking to do more when the society expects less.

Kindness is the best revenge. Always be kind.

Fight

Like a steel,
hammered over and over again,
forged with firing heat,
all that hard work,
and hardwork,
so that we can become,
strong.
Endure, endure, endure,
for no process is ever easy
nor ever comfortable.
One day you will become,
and be,
the sword that wins
all battles.

L For Love

At difficult times, love harder because love heals.

Goal.

Sometimes
pulling yourself from the current season
to become an audience rather than the player
and watch how the game actually runs
and see how others carry on
so you can study them
and understand yourself better
so you can connect better
and perform better
and become a better team player
is required.

To All Fighters of The Past

I cannot heal you,
you must heal yourself.
The cure is inside you,
like a pill sitting inside your mouth
waiting for you to swallow.
Your mind needs a captain,
it is time for you to control the cruise.
You can either head for the iceberg,
or the empty island
where you can start
a new life.

Reminder

The goal is to not be better than

other people.

The goal is to be better than

yesterday.

Look Front

Life is a never ending journey in rediscovering yourself over and over again while at the same time unlocking new potentials you never knew were inside you. Always move forward. ❤️

The Heart Speaks

I haven't been able to write anything because truthfully, mentally I am not in the right space. I hate writing when my mind is misplaced, having bits and pieces of them here and there, taken over by feelings that are just as messy. Life has been great when we talk about all the opportunities I keep on getting from Allah, but it doesn't mean that on a daily level, it's all smooth between everyone around me. I am angry, disappointed, upset, and confused at certain people. My relationship with my parent-in-laws has been becoming weirder day by day. A best friend with no explanation suddenly just decided to cut ties with me. Some family members just love taking the idea of "family" for granted. I am angry at all these. But I'm not angry at life.

I keep reminding myself that the people in my life cannot determine how my life becomes. I cannot be angry at my life. I can be angry at the people who disappoint me, but I still want to enjoy my life, and I do. I still sing when I am pushing Daria in the stroller. I still hold hands and hop like a bunny when I'm walking with Shahmeer. I still jump on S when he's on the bed because goofy-love is the best kind of love. And at the same time, I can be realistic that my heart is not in a perfect shape and I just have to continue living with it. I can try fixing it. but if it doesn't work, I can leave it broken.