Hello, Feelings.

Ten steps forward, eight steps back. For every progress I make, I get drawn back again. I spiral. But not that much this time. I wonder what it takes for me to not get affected at all. These triggers, they just come through the simplest forms. Through a small gesture. Through a simple line uttered. It hurts. But I am more aware now.

You and Me?

If this world were mine, everyone would be given equal opportunities.

If this world were mine, everyone would be kind and caring, loving and understanding.

If this world were mine, everyone would be allowed to choose.

If this world were mine, a smile would instantly change a bad person into good, just like that.

If this world were mine, love would be the answer to everything.

But this world is not mine. In fact, it's ours. So perhaps we can make it happen together.

Light

I am warm,

like a sunshine. 

Let me soak you in golden light, 

because I can.

Because I am.

Ssshhh.

I am kind. I am enough. To the voices in my head that demand me to be more, more, more, I will not listen to. Not anymore.

Hhmm

It's been a rather strange feeling this first 2 weeks of 2025. Somebody said some pretty mean things to me just on the last day of 2024, and the feeling has been lingering ever since. I am not one who gets easily bothered by externalities as such, but this time it went pretty deep into my heart. Some people will just never change. Their mean behaviour, no matter how much you fight it with kindness, will remain mean, or become even more. This time, I chose to still be kind, but to myself. I chose to leave.

New Year Reflections

• "What's your next goal?" I don't know. Nowadays, I prefer to take things slowly and give things a really good, long thought. I don't feel the need to rush things just because. 

• Often times, I am embarassed to publish my good life because it feels truly, deeply insensitive to the reality of the world. To say "look at my amazing day" while people on the other side continue to die and live in suffering and all we can do is watch from afar...it kills me inside. 

• Negative energy is like air pollution. Nobody wants to breathe it, nobody wants to see it, nobody wants to smell it. When you bring negative air into a room, you are making other people suffer and causing secondhand stress. Don't be that person.

• I know my worth and I truly don't need validation from others moreover strangers. If you say something mean to me, idgaf. I'll probably just smile back at you and wish you a good day.

• Kindness is a rare character these days. Social media has made people become so self-absorbed, most of us are forgetting the importance of good manners and courtesy. If you wanna be a precious gem in a field of pebbles, be the kind person in the room.

• Put down your phone, look at the other person in the eye, and learn to have a good conversation with others. Connection only happens when you are truly present.

• "I'm scared of the future". You should be. We should be. But let that fear become your fuel to do good today. If you can't do your best today, at least do good. Be good.

Happy new year.

My Little S

2024 means, it's been 10 years of having the honor to be Shahmeer's mother. Shahmeer, a capricorn just like me. Very sweet, very kind, smiles a lot, loves hugs, loves kisses, loves anything bread, loves gummy bears, loves fried chicken, loves onions, loves noodles and spaghetti. Hates crowds, hates loud noises, hates theme parks and fun rides, hates hand dryers in public toilets. Shahmeer is autistic, and non-verbal. What does that mean? It means, he does not have the ability to speak verbally. In the simplest words, he cannot talk. He also cannot comprehend sign language. Therefore, he communicates through pictures. He tells us what he wants by showing us a picture on his device. If he wants to eat fried chicken, he'll point at a picture of a fried chicken. He cannot read. He cannot write. He cannot express his emotions well, because he does not know what exactly is 'sad' or 'angry' or 'confused'. But I understand his feelings, most of the times. I can feel it. Sometimes I am completely just clueless. Having a child with autism has allowed me to see life from the most profound perspective. It has taught me strength, patience, empathy, compassion, and unconditional love. I am a person of zen, unbothered by daily life drama and non-sense chatters. I nurture good thoughts in my mind. Perhaps, because what I go through in a day is already extremely tough. Other problems in life feels like dust because at home, I am constantly lifting big rocks. I cannot see a life where Shahmeer lives his day without me, and therefore, we are tied together forever. We are a set, I come in a set. I will always be his protector for as long as I live, and I truly hope it will be for very long. Life is a mystery, life is a gift. Whatever life throws at you, it is what it is. Live with joy, and don't let problems or challenges stop you from living. To live is to live with a big heart and an open mind. Always be kind. 💖

Second Seconds

Here's to letting yourself have a second childhood, no matter your current age. Let free. Allow joy to enter your life like a child only knows. No comparisons, just imaginations. Laugh or giggle, sing or scream. Be loud. No boxes.

December Again

There is this heavy feeling everytime I enter December. Realizing the year is ending, I start asking myself so many questions. Have I done enough? Did I make progress? Was I a good mom? Could I have done more for my family? Did I love myself better this time? What's next? But most importantly, I think, this year I healed. A dark cloud lifted off. I see things clearer. I understand. And for that, I am truly grateful. We all say, life is short. But what if, life is long, and therefore you need more effort to stay in the game and live longer. Think about it.

K

My strength is kindness. My beauty is in my kindness. My love is through kindness. My language is kindness. When dealing with unkindness, I fight with kindness. I am kind, and nothing shall change that. For kindness is my way of breathing.