Fly

I just finished reading this book and now everything, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g makes sense. I get it now. I understand. I was never crazy. I was right all along, and I feel seen, understood, and validated. I wasn't just a crazy woman "complaining" about things, seemingly so ungrateful albeit her truly blessed life. The void and emotional neglect I have endured my whole life, it wasn't "just me". I had every single reason to feel that way, and I was not delusional.

This healing journey was never intended to blame, shame or hate anyone, but instead, to allow myself to live with peace moving forward. I needed to understand what was going on inside of me, and it was a rather long, lonely discovery, with countless hours of therapy via any available online resource, and here I am today, taking my life back and winning.

I remember when I was in high school, my friend was dating an older guy who was a psychologist. We all hung out together one day. The next day, my friend told me, that her boyfriend told her, "I think Diana lacks attention and love from her family". As a high schooler, I had no idea what he was even saying. I just responded with a confused face and brushed it off. But I still remember that remark. I have no clue what gave it away to make him draw such a conclusion of me, but yes, he was right all along. 

Life isn't perfect. Nobody is perfect. But things can be improved and become better. I cannot control how others act, but I can control how I want to live my life today and tomorrow. I cannot change others, but I can change myself. I cannot change the past, but I can make a change by breaking the cycle.

Today I feel as light as a feather. Perhaps it is time to fly once again.

Aha

Oh, wow. The day you read a quote and say, "oh, so it is a thing, this thing I've been feeling all this time". 

Shadows

The flashbacks keep coming, haunting like a shadow that never goes away even though the sun has set. Why does it linger? I have tried everything possible to move forward, but the gravity keeps pulling me back in. "Stay", said the shadow. As if it wants to keep me never at ease. Why is life like this? Is it unfair? Or is it me? Am I the problem? I listen to others talk about their lives. and I question, why can't I feel the same way about mine? To be a profound person is a blessing but also a curse, because you can never look away. You cannot ignore a shadow like others do. You keep questioning the universe, and that can be a pain.

The Calm After The Storm

Just before this photo was taken, my son was having a complete meltdown; screaming, crying, scratching me, all while strolling around this beautiful city that is Grenoble in France. So we decided to take a break on this bench. My husband and I made him lie down, we both massaged him while my daughter 'entertained' him by telling a story about how the earth was created. Family teamwork. Slowly my son started to calm down.

Social media is not necessarily 'fake' as many would say, but of course most of us choose to upload our smiley pictures because we want to remember the good, happy memories more than the sad ones. The sad or difficult memories, they just live inside us, like a private space not for the whole world to see. Nevertheless, however one prefers, always choose to be kind. Everyone has their own battles in life. 💖 

You Are The Rainbow

Oh let them stare, let them wonder. Why so colorful, my lady? Because life is only fun when you allow it to be fun. Life needs your permission and your will to be. So be. Just be. You can be pink, you can be yellow. You can be the rainbow, but never shallow. Oh to be the most colorful soul, was never about the clothes anyway. It is your soul, to live like a forever child; kind and free. ❤️💗💙💜💛💚🧡

Happy World Autism Acceptance Day

Happy World Autism Acceptance Day 💙 My son is autistic, non-verbal, has very minimum level of comprehension, cannot read nor write nor count, has to be supervised 24/7, has no sense of danger, is 10 years old and still wears diapers, and he is just who he is. His name is Shahmeer, loud and proud. I am thankful for life, for him, for everything he is, although our life is not at all 'easy'. It felt very difficult in the earlier years, but nowadays, it's the life we know, and we embrace it with love and only love. I am a proud mother of an autistic young boy, and I have never cowered from society's standard of normalcy. Going out with him has always invited many stares from strangers due to the odd noises and body movements he makes, sometimes followed by major meltdowns in public areas too, but I don't want our life to stop just because all that. Let them stare, let them wonder, even better, let them ask me and I will always happily explain about autism.

I have learned, that autism is not a mountain to climb, but a garden to nurture. It requires constant care, knowledge, dedication, commitment and unconditional love to make sure the flowers bloom in the right way, at the right time. My son might not be able to speak, but his love, his love pierces through my heart so strongly. I know he loves me so very deeply, and I do too.

To other parents with autistic children: hold your head up high and be proud. You have the richest life one can ever imagine. Our hearts are so big and it will keep expanding. You will continue to learn so much and you will see life in such great depths. Life becomes incredibly meaningful with all the little wins you see in your child. You and your little one, you are amazing. We can do this ❤️

Hey, Little You.

In case you didn't know, I took my time, gathered my guts, composed myself, structured my thoughts, and told you everything I felt you needed to know. I put it all out there, poured it all out for you. But even after that, nothing changed. In fact, as usual, you dismissed my feelings, making me feel like I was the little child you still think I am. 

So here is a note to my younger self: it was never your fault. You were perfect just the way you were. The world was mean to you, you didn't deserve that. But know that you are blessed, because you are a fighter. You have a heart bigger than the universe. Be proud of that.

Forgiveness

What does forgiveness look like?

It can look like..

"I'm okay now. Let's be friends again."

"I'm okay now. But let me take my time to just get back to 100% again."

"I forgive you, but I will never forget the hurt you caused."

"I forgive all of this, but I want to be alone until I am ready to deal with life again."

"I feel better, but I will never feel whole again."

"I'm okay now. We're okay. Let's start things over as better human beings."

"I forgive you. I understand why you did that. Just never do that again."

"I forgive you, but I still cannot understand why you did that."

"I'm okay now, but I might not be next time."

"I forgive you, we all make mistakes. I apologize too for my wrongdoings in this matter."

"I forgive you, but I don't think this pain will ever go away. I'll have to learn to live with it."

"I forgive you. And I will always still love you."

Body Parts

I'm learning better to listen to my body. To listen to each of my own body parts. I try to detect when the nerves behind my back are starting to get tensed. I try to detect when my body just needs to rest. There's nothing to prove to anyone. We don't need to be "supermoms" or become super highly active people to show to the world that we are greater than others. When we need to rest, just rest. When experts say that we don't need to do workouts more than a certain number of hours per week, just listen. When we know that we need to sleep at least 6 hours a day, just do. Live mindfully. Live with a deep sense of purpose. Live with a deep appreciation towards our own body and mind. Your brain, your hands, your fingers, your legs, your neck, your ears, your nose, your stomach, your lungs, your heart, your hair. Take good care of them.

What If

They say, either you take it, leave it, or change it. But what if, you've tried all options and nothing just works. You take it, you live in pain. You leave it, you live in guilt. You (try to) change it, you live in frustration because nothing changes. What if, you just learn to let that pain live inside you, but you keep growing yourself, loving yourself, expanding yourself, adding new fun experiences inside yourself, so that day by day, that sadness becomes no longer significant. It's still there, but it's not as loud as before.