Because I Couldn't Sleep, I Decided To Write

The biggest, scariest question in life is.."what do you want to be?". This question haunts many people, for some even throughout their whole lives, because frankly, it isn't something easy to answer. What do we want to be? What do we want to do? Why do I need to? It's a series of never-ending questions...but it's fun, because it's the whole point of life.

I personally think that every human has a mission in life. Missions can be anything, from the simplest to the grandest form. And that's why we were born. To live the mission and succeed, or at least die trying to. Because without one, then what's the point of time? Time becomes valuable because there's something to achieve at the end of the day.

I happen to grow up in a family where "what do you want to be?" questions were never asked. I think it's because my grandpa and my dad both worked in banks, so they expected us to work in banks too. So no point of asking I guess hehehe. As a kid, I accepted that notion. I thought that's how life works. At that time, I always told my dad that I'm gonna be the next Miranda Goeltom.

Then when I entered university, the thought of having to choose a specific major became confusing. To work in a bank, taking Accounting or Economy would be the wisest choice. But then I realized that I never enjoyed studying accounting and economy in high school. I liked maths. A lot. But the idea to study mathematics for 4 years in university pretty much scared me. So the dilemma started. And I started to question WHY I have to work in a bank. My brother realized my talents in art, because he happened to be the only family member who would actually hang out in my room and notice the things I do or make inside my room. He always appreciated my photographs and photo editing results and convinced me that I should take Graphic Design. He even talked to my dad about this. But dad disagreed, because, well, he wants his children to work in a bank hehehehe. It was a very weird time. I decided to follow my dad's advice to apply for Industrial Engineering in University of Indonesia. Buuuuuut I also followed my (brother's) gut-feeling and applied to Pelita Harapan University for Graphic Design. I got accepted in Pelita Harapan University first and soon started my studies. After (only) 4 days attending the classes, I felt guilty to "hurt" my dad & grandpa, and asked the university whether I could transfer to Industrial Engineering instead.Wish granted. After 1 week, it was informed that I got accepted in University of Indonesia for Industrial Engineering. So I transferred again.

So my 4 years of uni life started. It was tough. I felt like I was in the wrong place. I didn't really enjoy the modules except for Mechanical Drawing. I kept on thinking, "man, I should have just taken Graphic Design". But I just told myself, that everything happens for a reason. So I just faced it and tried to do my best. With tears too, of course. But I survived hehe. Upon graduation, my friends started applying for jobs & got offers from multinational banks, FMCG, mining and oil & gas companies. They all started working very soon. It was so cool to see them work in their dream companies, but for me, it just didn't seem to fit me. The only two companies I wanted to work for was McKinsey and Boston Consulting Group. I applied to both companies but none accepted me hehehe. I didn't know what to do. And then one day, just like that, within seconds, I had the most random thought of studying again. I directly did some research on potential Master programs abroad, and the only one that clicked was the International Business Management MSc. program in Nottingham University. Why did it click? Because their website looked good. Hahah. I'm that weird, I know. Besides, taking Masters in something "design" was not possible because of my undergraduate background. Anyway, I remember it was already July at that time, and the closing date of the enrollment was August. My dad was totally against this idea, because 1) it was expensive, 2) he wanted me to work in a bank (duh!), 3) there's no chance I could get in because the due date was too soon anyway. The latter was because there were too many documents I needed to prepare in such short time, including the IELTS test. Buuuuut being a strong-willed person I am, I took care of the documents all by myself and took the test just like that. And I did it! Hahah! So I asked dad whether he would give me the permission and of course the financial support. He finally did. Hooraaaaayyyy...

Now the following 1,5 years doing Masters was somehow the BEST studying years of my life. I LOVED it. I was able to finally understand the joy of studying. S was my classmate btw.

But life is funny, because after graduating, I still didn't know what to do, or which companies to apply to. So I simply followed S and applied to whichever companies he applied to heheheh. Aaaaaaand it gets funnier. We both got accepted in the same company and got jobs as a quantitative market researcher...;p

During those working years, I admire how S really really enjoyed his work. It's like, he talks about statistics and numbers like how ice cream and chocolates are for me. Like yummy. And I envied that. I wanted to feel as passionate about something. Like, something that makes me feel alive. Like "alive" alive. So I resigned, and moved from one company to another. Friends said I was weird to change jobs so quick like that. But that was all because I kept on feeling that something was missing. Inside me.

You guys wanna know what woke me up eventually? It was because of that Singapore Shopping Race I joined together with Hanzky of Fashionesedaily. I remember, it was in the Uniqlo shop when she was choosing shirts for her husband when I asked, "do you like your job, Hanzky? At Fashionesedaily?". And she said, "do I like it? I LOVE IT!".

Wow.

She LOVES her job. I wanna love something that much too.

Within my working years, I have actually done a loooot of contemplation. My heart said that I should go back and give 'graphic design' another try. Besides, I have never stopped loving art & designing, and my inner self wanted to explore that side of me. So I guess that's how my blog grew. My blog was my only creative outlet, letting me express the things I couldn't do at office. And little did I know, my blog became a huge part of me. Like, my blog became me. An awakening that made me realize that this is what I LOVE: graphic design, taking pictures, fashion, and creating something from nothing. So it came to me that doing online business in the fashion category would be the best thing for me.

I've always loved things that are colorful too, because colors make me happy. I figured out that my mission in life is to spread happiness by creating something that brings smiles to other people's faces. By delivering more colors. By being positive because positivity is contagious. By helping as many people as I can.

And that was the start of everything. Everything of happiness. I resigned from my job, killed my fear of not having a stable income, and started my Up shoe business. Did my family agree at the beginning? NOPE. But I realized that things take time, and convincing my family about what I decided to become was part of maturing as well. If we can't stand up for ourselves, then we aren't mature enough. That simple.

The journey to understand what we want to be in life can be very tough and full of challenges. But never give up because eventually it'll all just come to you. Like a soulmate. And when it does, go for it. Have no regrets. And have faith.. :)