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Thursday, June 30, 2022

The Duality of Us

 I don't know how to explain it. It feels heavy. It feels suffocating. It's stuck inside me. I've been trying to get rid of this feeling, but it stays. The past few months have been difficult. I have been trying to heal myself through various ways, but it's just not working. I'm disappointed. A recent chain of events this year have triggered me to remember my past, some hurtful things that I didn't even remember, and now I understand that that was my brain's self-defense mechanism to cope. I erased it, or buried it (?), until recently it resurfaced again. I'm disappointed. Of how I was treated back then. I always felt like I was an outcast, like I didn't matter, like my opinions were never valued, that my being was not beautiful enough, that I was less from everyone else. Whether the matter of fact is true or not, it does not matter. That was simply how I was made to feel as a child and a teenager. Whatever I do, was never enough. I hate that feeling. So I decided to take control of my life and "do things my way", "care less about what others think", and simply "love myself if no one else does". I took control. I still do. But it also hurts when I remember these things. In fact, the very people who made me feel this way, still makes me feel this way. How sad. Isn't it funny. I am a mother of two who takes pride in being the best mom for her kids (or at least I try), but I am also, also a child who was hurt and never really got over it. I am a lost adult child wandering, seeking, craving for love, but I am also a mother so full of love and life. There are many sides of a human, now I understand. A part of us can be broken, but the other part can be extremely strong that nothing can shatter us no more. We learn to live with both.

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