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Tuesday, May 14, 2024

The Calm After The Storm


Just before this photo was taken, my son was having a complete meltdown; screaming, crying, scratching me, all while strolling around this beautiful city that is Grenoble in France. So we decided to take a break on this bench. My husband and I made him lie down, we both massaged him while my daughter 'entertained' him by telling a story about how the earth was created. Family teamwork. Slowly my son started to calm down.

Social media is not necessarily 'fake' as many would say, but of course most of us choose to upload our smiley pictures because we want to remember the good, happy memories more than the sad ones. The sad or difficult memories, they just live inside us, like a private space not for the whole world to see. Nevertheless, however one prefers, always choose to be kind. Everyone has their own battles in life. ๐Ÿ’– 

Sunday, April 28, 2024

You Are The Rainbow


Oh let them stare, let them wonder. Why so colorful, my lady? Because life is only fun when you allow it to be fun. Life needs your permission and your will to be. So be. Just be. You can be pink, you can be yellow. You can be the rainbow, but never shallow. Oh to be the most colorful soul, was never about the clothes anyway. It is your soul, to live like a forever child; kind and free. ❤️๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿงก

Tuesday, April 2, 2024

Happy World Autism Acceptance Day

Happy World Autism Acceptance Day ๐Ÿ’™ My son is autistic, non-verbal, has very minimum level of comprehension, cannot read nor write nor count, has to be supervised 24/7, has no sense of danger, is 10 years old and still wears diapers, and he is just who he is. His name is Shahmeer, loud and proud. I am thankful for life, for him, for everything he is, although our life is not at all 'easy'. It felt very difficult in the earlier years, but nowadays, it's the life we know, and we embrace it with love and only love. I am a proud mother of an autistic young boy, and I have never cowered from society's standard of normalcy. Going out with him has always invited many stares from strangers due to the odd noises and body movements he makes, sometimes followed by major meltdowns in public areas too, but I don't want our life to stop just because all that. Let them stare, let them wonder, even better, let them ask me and I will always happily explain about autism.


I have learned, that autism is not a mountain to climb, but a garden to nurture. It requires constant care, knowledge, dedication, commitment and unconditional love to make sure the flowers bloom in the right way, at the right time. My son might not be able to speak, but his love, his love pierces through my heart so strongly. I know he loves me so very deeply, and I do too.


To other parents with autistic children: hold your head up high and be proud. You have the richest life one can ever imagine. Our hearts are so big and it will keep expanding. You will continue to learn so much and you will see life in such great depths. Life becomes incredibly meaningful with all the little wins you see in your child. You and your little one, you are amazing. We can do this ❤️

Monday, March 18, 2024

Hey, Little You.

In case you didn't know, I took my time, gathered my guts, composed myself, structured my thoughts, and told you everything I felt you needed to know. I put it all out there, poured it all out for you. But even after that, nothing changed. In fact, as usual, you dismissed my feelings, making me feel like I was the little child you still think I am. 

So here is a note to my younger self: it was never your fault. You were perfect just the way you were. The world was mean to you, you didn't deserve that. But know that you are blessed, because you are a fighter. You have a heart bigger than the universe. Be proud of that.

Tuesday, March 12, 2024

Forgiveness

What does forgiveness look like?


It can look like..


"I'm okay now. Let's be friends again."


"I'm okay now. But let me take my time to just get back to 100% again."


"I forgive you, but I will never forget the hurt you caused."


"I forgive all of this, but I want to be alone until I am ready to deal with life again."


"I feel better, but I will never feel whole again."


"I'm okay now. We're okay. Let's start things over as better human beings."


"I forgive you. I understand why you did that. Just never do that again."


"I forgive you, but I still cannot understand why you did that."


"I'm okay now, but I might not be next time."


"I forgive you, we all make mistakes. I apologize too for my wrongdoings in this matter."


"I forgive you, but I don't think this pain will ever go away. I'll have to learn to live with it."


"I forgive you. And I will always still love you."


Tuesday, March 5, 2024

Body Parts

I'm learning better to listen to my body. To listen to each of my own body parts. I try to detect when the nerves behind my back are starting to get tensed. I try to detect when my body just needs to rest. There's nothing to prove to anyone. We don't need to be "supermoms" or become super highly active people to show to the world that we are greater than others. When we need to rest, just rest. When experts say that we don't need to do workouts more than a certain number of hours per week, just listen. When we know that we need to sleep at least 6 hours a day, just do. Live mindfully. Live with a deep sense of purpose. Live with a deep appreciation towards our own body and mind. Your brain, your hands, your fingers, your legs, your neck, your ears, your nose, your stomach, your lungs, your heart, your hair. Take good care of them.

Saturday, March 2, 2024

What If

They say, either you take it, leave it, or change it. But what if, you've tried all options and nothing just works. You take it, you live in pain. You leave it, you live in guilt. You (try to) change it, you live in frustration because nothing changes. What if, you just learn to let that pain live inside you, but you keep growing yourself, loving yourself, expanding yourself, adding new fun experiences inside yourself, so that day by day, that sadness becomes no longer significant. It's still there, but it's not as loud as before. 

Thursday, February 29, 2024

Hello, 2024.

2024 is the year I will turn 40. It's genuinely a disbelief for me that me.. me.. ME.. I..? I am turning 40? LOL. Just literally yesterday I went to pick up my daughter from school and when I went to the reception counter, she gave me a "student form" to fill in. I guess I still look the part for a high school student? :D

But yes, 40. But age is just a number, really. Who cares. You do you. You feel you. You feel how you feel inside. You don't have to change yourself just because of a number. Stay hungry, stay foolish, stay curious, keep learning, embrace life with an open mindset because there's still sooooo much to learn. I have this goal of living in this world until I am at least 100 years old, and if the universe allows me, that means I STILL HAVE 60 YEARS AHEAD OF ME. Wow. Isn't that actually amazing? I can still learn so much in this world, and I want to. I'm excited. I'm always thinking about what skill should I master next. What course should I take next? And while I keep growing, I am just as excited to spend all my remaining years with the people I love unconditionally.

On the other hand, life's been...weird. For the past 2 years, I have been struggling to write. I have nothing to write about. My mind has been in such a messy place, my thoughts are all too scattered to gather to be put into words. But today I'll try.

It's funny because as you get older, you actually get...a little bit sadder. Sad because one day you wake up with flashes of memories that you have buried or tried to forget or even truly forgot and wow, they suddenly just come back. I think, when we are young(er), we focus so much on "succeeding" (whatever success means to you) that we put aside so much of our feelings and just work, work, work. We have so many dreams to achieve, we live with this high-adrenaline rush and all we care about is building our career, or our reputation. To be able to say, "I did it!", seems to be the main theme of life in these years. The years of proving yourself. And it's normal. It's exciting. But in all that process, we actually disassociate so much from our inner selves because our outercase mattered more. Usually it's all unconscious. But as we get older, the conscience starts to grow (back), little by little, and it starts eating you up slooooowly and painfully. Or I might just be talking about myself here LOL. Pardon the generalization.

For the past 2 years, I have been doing work on myself. I realize I have so many open wounds inside of me that I didn't get to heal or even give thought about. All the childhood trauma that I endured, as Dr. Gabor Mate eloquently puts it, was not necessarily about what happened to me, but what happened inside of me because of what happened to me. I now realize that I grew up with 'neglect', having family who were always physically present for me at all times, but were emotionally unavailable for me. I have always felt alone and misunderstood. My opinions rarely mattered, my ideas were more often dismissed, my dreams were never taken seriously, and so I became familiar with the idea that I don't matter, and that's okay. But it's not okay. But I didn't understand that. I knew what I knew. Familiarity took over my senses. I became accepting of always being the second in everything. "I'm just a kid. What do I know, right?".  I was always the ugly one. I was never made to feel beautiful, and as a result, I didn't care. But you see, I should. I should care. I should feel beautiful. Because what is more powerful than a little girl stepping out of the house feeling empowered because she knows she's beautiful. And strong. And kind. And intelligent. And that she mattered. And all that affirmation should have come from her own family, her safe space. But she never got them. So she became strong on the outside, but broken on the inside. 

All these realizations only came after...more than 30 years of life? That's how long I survived a battle I didn't even know I was in. What took me so long? Why that long? And today, everyday, I am able to make sense of why things are. Why I am me. Why I do the things I do. It is all connected. That's how significant the impact of your childhood quality will affect your whole life. And I mean it. Your whole life. I get so upset when my husband forgets a tiny detail of a story I was telling him, because "forgetting a detail", to me, means he didn't listen to me fully, which means he was not listening to me enough. And you see, I always felt that my family never listened to me enough. And that little girl inside of me is still upset and she never had the chance to work on her wounds, so today, when something similar happens, it evokes the same feeling, it becomes a trigger. I get upset. And that's what I still need to work on. 

But today my head is clear. I understand things better. I am a constant work in progress. I am kind. I am strong. I am beautiful. And I matter. ❤️


Sunday, December 31, 2023

2023 Reflections

 

  1. In any situation, be the kind one always.
  2. Being kind allows you to take control of life. Whatever comes your way, you will be able to stay calm and composed because you are as light as a feather, floating with grace.
  3. Say what you need to say. You deserve to be honest with your feelings.
  4. When people take you for granted, draw a line. You can still be kind, but you can set boundaries on how much (or how little) they deserve your time, attention and energy.
  5. Stop entertaining people who only come to you when it is convenient for them.
  6. Focus on what you do best with deep, genuine passion. Your consistency will organically lead you to great opportunities.
  7. Say "no" again and again if that's how you feel. Your life, your choice.
  8. Be unapologetic with your life values. Peer pressure is foolish. Stay away from friends who pressure you into doing things that you are not okay with. 
  9. Nerds are the coolest.
  10. Happiness is an accumulation of small, sweet memories. Focus on those small moments.
  11. Be grateful because you're alive today.
  12. Every morning is a new opportunity to become better. Be better.
  13. Acknowledge when the people you love are unfortunately toxic. Don't sugarcoat. Don't find justifications. Don't be trapped. Acknowledging is your first step in finding a solution for yourself and for your relationship. 
  14. You cannot change people who do not want to change. You then realize that changing people is not your responsibility anyway. Focus on yourself.
  15. Learn to communicate your feelings eloquently. Don't make people have to guess how you feel. Tell them how you feel as clear as possible.
  16. Many people are selfish. I am not. I am kind. I am wise. I am strong. I will stay that way.
  17. You have to make your days fun by being a fun person. Learn to be a fun person.
  18. Life is difficult, so it is important to have a great sense of humor and find humor in hardship.
  19. Humor heals.
  20. Love heals.
  21. Kindness heals.

Saturday, October 7, 2023

My Little S

I haven't shared much about Shahmeer lately. Not sure why. Probably because life with autism is hard, or very hard, that I just end up rarely talking about it. There are many times when I share about our struggles to another person but the response I get leaves me feeling worse so over time I end up thinking that "not talking about it" actually feels better. I get it. I get it that not many people get it. And so people often don't know what to say, or how to respond. But as a society, learning about things you don't understand is an act of love and kindness. You cannot always expect other people to educate you. Get educated yourself. My son stims so much by making loud high-pitch noises like a squeal that never ends the whole day, it actually really hurts my ears that I get migraine every day. To be honest, it drives a person insane. One day I ended up buying earbuds to wear at home, to reduce the noise I get in my ears, and when I told my mom about it, she laughed. She laughed because she thought it was funny. But you see, it's not funny at all. And it hurts to go through so much but have nobody understand. I am tired of people literally saying to my face, "I hope you find a cure for Shahmeer", as if autism is a form of illness that can be cured. It's just how he is. He's born different. Imagine saying to someone with one leg, "I hope you grow another leg". It's the same. It's wrong and oblivious. I realize that I have shrunk myself a little, feeling less "big and loud" as I usually was, because I feel for my son. It aches me to see how the world sees so little of him and views autism in such a dismissive light. Nowadays I talk less, I share less, I live in my own beautiful world that is my little family. I love my children so much and to actually have one of my own be misunderstood, or ignored, or not included in cousins outings, is an attack to my body and soul and whole being. I am still learning to be stronger and better, for me and for him. Right now, my light is dimmer than usual and that's the reality. ๐Ÿ’–

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