photo space_zpsab443ffb.png photo ootd_zpsvmcsbmod.jpg photo youtube_zpsl7hdozar.jpg photo 88_zpsqoko5stl.jpg photo midnight_zpsssf1cubd.jpg photo home_zpsh9wc5ewz.jpg

Monday, June 20, 2016

Keep Breathing

So I was watching Grace VanderWaal's audition video on Youtube, and if you guys watch until the end, you'll find Ingrid Michaelson's "Keep Breathing" song being played in the background. Now this song, made me take a trip to a few years ago of my life. In fact, this song was a soundtrack to a defining moment in my life.

It was when I was studying in Malaysia, doing my Masters. I met a guy who kept messing with my head. This guy was ridiculously irritating. I didn't like his presence, but I would look for him when he wasn't around. This guy was just wrong in so many ways. He was not my type, he was from a totally different background, he was not supposed to be. Just not, because I already had a boyfriend back in Jakarta.

  "The storm is coming.."

I was really upset because I didn't like the way I felt. I was really confused. So I jogged a lot, as weird as that sounds. I would jog around my campus every single day after my classes were over. And while I jogged, I would put on Ingrid Michaelson's "Keep Breathing" song on my iPod on repeat. It was my way of actually breathing and figuring out my own feelings.

  "The storm is coming
but I don't mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.
All that I know is I'm breathing now."

I guess, my heart had just changed. It needed a while for me to accept the fact that perhaps, I had fallen in love with this other guy. I never intended to, but love naturally grows where it is meant to, when it is meant to. And I, became the soil that allowed the love tree to grow. I allowed the feelings to grow and take over my body because I believed it was the most honest, natural and right thing to happen. I ended my relationship with my then boyfriend back in Jakarta, and everyone was unhappy of the decision.

My bestfriends were angry, some called me names, another even decided to end our friendship. I understood that I had hurt a lot of people in the equation, but I also understood that "right" and "wrong" are simply a matter of perception. I am wrong in some ways, but I am also right in many other ways. I believe that in love, one must be honest. My heart was honestly in love with this other guy, so why should I lie and live a lie?

So life continued, and the new "we" happened. While everybody in KL was happy for us because they had always seen it coming (they said), my friends in Jakarta were the opposite. But I accepted that, and I felt that these friends of mine just needed some time to eventually understand. And they did. And I eventually married this wrong guy after all. I married S.

What is the moral of the story here? I guess, it's about listening to your own heart, because your heart always knows the truth. Even though it might be difficult, it is the right thing to do. I never intended to hurt my then boyfriend, but if my heart said that he was not the one, why should I force myself to feel what I didn't feel just because my bestfriends think we were the cutest couple in the world? Love is a real thing, marriage is even more. Don't fall in love with the perfect guy. Fall in love with the right guy. Be real with your own feelings. And if you're still figuring things out, perhaps go jogging to clear your mind. Ingrid Michaelson's "Keep Breathing" song might help you too.



woeland said...

thank you.... :)

dela said...

Hallo Di..

ini yang gw rasakan dengan pekerjaan gw saat ini. I keep thinking that it's not for me, and want to end it, but everybody against it, say it's the best for me. I guess, "right and wrong" is just matter of perspective ya Di...

Adele said...

going through something similar right now- and I'm wondering why we're so quick to judge a woman when she ends a relationship but then starts dating soon after. A lot of people are quick to be judgemental but I've come to realise life is short and rather than devoting so much time and energy to the person we think we should be with, following your heart and letting things happen naturally is much more important and healthy.

Thank you so, so much for speaking so honestly about your experience

Beauty Redemption said...

right on spot, i kinda related to this one right now. i tried to deny everything but i guess our heart already knows what it wants from the start... well said kak, thank you :)

xo, Beauty redemption

Kagita Kirana Hanifah said...

thank you for posting this, just what i needed :')

Anonymous said...

True love never ends, how your wrote that love story like you've met him just like the first time. Sweet.



vinkamaharani said...

How can we so similar, even in the love story? =')
One day I hope we can meet as a friend, having conversations, sip our hot chocolates and I'll hug you in a long paused time, gratefully.

Keep smiling, Diana. Thank you for writing this.

Vinka Maharani

Blogging tips