Monday, May 28, 2018

Life From Afar

It's been so long since I actually wrote anything. There are 3 reasons why: I have been very busy, I have been extremely exhausted, and I have been clueless about my life. It's been a crazy rollercoaster ride ever since our family moved to Switzerland, and just like any rollercoaster ride out there, it can feel both exciting and scary at the same time. I feel like I am floating from one day to another. A week passes by so fast, so fast just like how I want it to be because sometimes, my days feel so overwhelming I just want to fast-forward to the next day - hoping it will be easier.

"Faster, faster, faster."

"Get me out of this."

These feelings haunt me every now and then, as if the little fleeting moments no longer matter to me anymore.

But they do.

I cherish every single new expression Daria makes. She is heavenly - her smile, her smell, her breath. I cherish every new milestone Shahmeer achieves no matter how small. Just the way he looks at me makes me feel loved so very much. And I cherish every single joke my husband makes, the way he cooks for me, massages me at night, how we fall asleep together on the sofa while watching our favorite series.

But I'm scared. Being far away from family and friends makes one feel very lonely, especially when it wasn’t really your decision to be in such distance. In my case, husband got transferred here due to his job, and I had to come along. In a way, it made me feel like I am a soldier being sent away to a country to fight a war I don't really want to - but I have to. And I keep questioning myself inside my heart, "why am I here?".

"Faster, faster, faster."

"Get me out of this."

These feelings haunt me every now and then, as if the little fleeting moments no longer matter to me anymore.

But they do.

As a matter of fact, they really do. Being a soldier makes you give value to the smallest things you never did before. Because life becomes more precious than ever, you put importance to every single day you are still alive and manage to sleep at night.

Will I win the battle? Maybe it's not a battle after all. It's a ride, remember? It is both exciting and scary at the same time. Be one with the ride, close your eyes, embrace every turn and fall. The ride can be extremely fast but I can always slow down the thoughts running inside my mind.

One day at a time.



2 comments:

Vinka Maharani said...

Well,first, HUG!
I really want to hug you after reading this post, then pat your back, then smile to you and say "Very well done, Diana. You've done a good job."
I mean, it's not about the roller-coaster-y situation or the urge for fast-forwarding life, but you're being conscious about the urge and consciousness of the floating-up-downs situation around, it must be appreciated more. It shows how mature you are and not end up being driven to auto-pilot mode where many peoples just trapped there. If you're aware when you're down, so I believe you're much more aware when you raise and ready for your "up" moments.

Super love from mommyhood fellas,
Vinka Maharani

hanny gultom said...

Semangatt Die!!!

love,

hunz

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