Saturday, March 20, 2010

I feel like going to the beach

And so I woke up, thinking that it’s such a beautiful day…seven windows occupy my room walls, and I intentionally never let anyone put up curtains to cover them. I like seeing the sky..and I find it indescribably pretty when the morning sunlight hits my bed. I like the feeling of being connected with both the sun and the sky.

And it’s also a beautiful day, because I have nothing on my agenda. Usually there’s always something I need to submit or attend, but fortunately not today. At times like this, I choose to make very good friends with my bed. I love my bed, and it has always been black and white. My bedsheet is white, and so are the pillowsheets. And this week, my blanket comes with black and white stripes.

But why do I feel sad? Isn’t it supposed to be a beautiful day? I feel there’s something off beam. I feel….lonely. That ugly feeling that gradually creeps inside me, but I deny every now and then by keeping myself busy.

Some people may not realize, but the number of friends or the quality times we get to spend with our friends actually decrease from time to time. Not that they become enemies, but they just get farther from you. My friends seem to sit on the outer side of an expanding ball that keeps growing bigger, and here I sit on the very core, struggling as it feels more distant to reach out.

My friends and I still live within the same sphere though, so I know that they are and will always be around. We all just grow, evolve, branch out, which is why the ball grows bigger. There’s nothing wrong with it, of course. I just want…someone to stay with me in this very core.

I want my S. To be here. To stick around. To follow me wherever I go. To annoy me. I am willing to give up on my windows and let them be curtained if that is what anyone wants. As long as you’re here. Beside me.

Don’t you know, S? You’re the weirdest man I have even seen in my life. Your hair is weird, and so is your hairstyle. I actually think your face looks different in all of your pictures. Are you a giant lizard? And your head is huge. But your eyes, I like the way they look at me. With you, I feel loved for whoever I am. I trust you. I trust your pretty eyes.

In between everything I have done till today, I just wished you were there. To witness all. To look at me when I needed someone to land my eyes on when I was nervous. To smile at when I remembered a joke. But that time will come. Right, S?

Je t'aime.

20 comments:

shea said...

this is so personal and touching..may Allah bless you with him in life for u being so patiently far from him..

anindita said...

Berat pasti ya ngejalanin LDR.
Semangat kak, kamu bisaaaa...:D
Ayo ayo cepet nikah aja.
Amien. (:

Retha said...

kangen bang sharjeel mesti,,,
smgt mb diana,,,
kpn k mlg???
ta ajak ke bns yg soooo awesome,,,
di kampus q byk yg ngefans km,,

i love rain said...

that's sad.
i sense some doubt in you that i had never seen before.
waiting, for years, is not easy.
been there, done that, so i know.
dont let the doubt creep into you or you will not be able to get it out again.
even a possitivity agent like you can feel so down. that's saddening.

hang in there or let go. choose the best ...
you know what to do,... eventually.

beatrix hapsari said...

Sabar yaa, di. Gue pacaran juga udh kaya LDR, ehehhe padahal nggak... :D

http://beatrixhapsari.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

How do cope with long distance rel? :( you are such a strong person. It's not easy. I hate it, it makes me depressed whenever my minds not running wild with busy schedules. How do you do it? How do you know hes faithful? Best of luck Diana, tough much. Stay strong!

@Erlinda Mikal a.k.a. Miss Little Town@ said...

wowww... that was the most honest thing i've ever heard from diana rikasari... wowww....

THE UNIQORN said...

thats so cute!

t a l i s h a said...

i cried because we're in a pretty similar circumstances.. and because of how those words fit my condition perfectly well.. when the time is right kak, everything you wrote down there will come true :)

iswahyuni said...

postingannya bagus banget !! you must be so in love with him =)
be strong =)

atchoo said...

This is a beautiful post, Diana. I love it! :)

Anonymous said...

u should be a writer di!
make a book pleaseeee........

Anonymous said...

i see you..one day i believe that day shall come and it will be worth all this wait..

kristieeiskristie said...

this is nominated as the first uncheerful diana rikasari post i've ever read.
LOL
and also the truest.

This Sunday Child said...

I've been your very colorful blog silently over this couple of months and I could not agree more with Erlinda...Very sweetly melancholic too
It seems that a grey cloud just past over your blue sky. Hang in there and let it pour, soon you will see the rainbow again....

istifara said...

really nice and honest..
i missed my man too :((

Wulan said...

sabar ya di, tiap hubungan pasti ada turun naiknya,, yang penting doa,, karena kan yang ngasih kita jodoh yang di atas,, cheers ^^

An Itchy Acne said...

LOVE this post!!! just exactly the same to what i feel lately, about friends (we) who grow up and start to feel the distance. :(
the best thing we can do is to start contacting them again...small reunion never turn you down.

Diana Rikasari said...

thank you for the very kind wishes...God bless you all :)

Miss Muss said...

although the loneliness can be unbearable as times and as strong as you may seem to be, sometimes you do need to lean on people to survive.. its perfectly okay girlfriend.. you are never alone.. you always have us :)

and even though your sweetheart S maybe far away, have faith and believe that soon the loneliness will disappear like a cookie monster with cookies :)) hang in there :) be happy soon dear!

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