Hey, you.
I see you. I see you're getting better with dealing with your past. I'm proud of you. Keep it up. Breathe. Forgive. Think of today and your tomorrows. You are big enough. You were never small. It was never your fault. Always remember that. 💖
One day, my daughter and I attended a market. It was fun and beautifully decorated with garlands, balloons, tinsel curtains. After a while, a man who was also an attendant, took out one of the balloon decorations from a booth and gave it to his son to play. Then, he took another balloon and gave it to his son again. My 7-year-old daughter looked at me and said, "mom, isn't that not nice? Like he's ruining the organizer's decoration".
She then asked my permission to speak to the man. I let her. So she, on her own, approached the man, and said, "sir, I think you shouldn't take the balloons like that. It's part of the decoration, it's not nice that you're ruining it"
The man looked at my daughter in shock, then looked at me. I just nodded and smiled, showing that I agree with my daughter, also showing that I have nothing to say or add because she is right. He replied to my daughter, "well, it's for my son. He wants a balloon, so if there's anyone to blame, it's my son", pointing at his toddler who I assume was around 3 years old.
I know he said that because he felt humiliated, shamed by a little girl, and I, as her parent, allowed her to shame him. But you see, she is right. And she was not being rude. She said it nicely. And to be clear, it's not "just a balloon". It's about taking what's not yours, even something as simple as a balloon.
My daughter might be little, but her point is valid. And adults need to accept that kids are allowed to voice out their concerns equally. The man just left. Yet I felt so proud of my girl. I want to raise my girl into a woman who speaks up. I want her to be fully comfortable in having opinions and voicing them out. In today's world, women are so often silenced. If we are loud, we are an inconvenience. But we should change that.
To live in between countries, sometimes feel like you're just floating. I want my feet to touch the ground, but I cannot feel it, I cannot reach it. It's just water, wrapping my feet, keeping me afloat, but I long for the feeling of standing, walking, running, jumping on something solid. Something I can touch and say, "hey, this is me, mine, where I belong".
I want to plant my seed, but where? Whenever I start blooming, I get moved again. The soil is never the same. I have to recondition myself over and over, while I just want to bloom effortlessly.
Is this it? Growth. Regrowth. To never feel comfortable. Is this the whole point?
Perhaps.
What does love mean to you? How does it feel?
To me, it feels warm. It feels soft. It feels comfortable. It feels home. Love means letting someone else own a piece of your heart, allowing them to bend it a little, grow it a lot, nurture it, while making sure that your heart is still yours, but shared so that it's not too heavy to carry alone.
I feel like I'm having a second chance in childhood.
A chance to finally be the child I was and will always be, this time without any fear.
I was not understood. Just tolerated.
I was allowed. But not empowered.
This time I'm taking control.
I no longer want to be a bug, tolerated and allowed, but an inconvenience.
Today I am still the same child, but free.
It's getting easier to move forward, because 'knowing' and 'understanding' is the key to it all. Pain will always exist, in many forms, at different times, in different degrees. But when we know why things happen, and understand why things happened, dealing with pain becomes easier. It's very important to keep asking questions instead of bluntly accepting things the way they are. When you are able to see things clearly, you tend to less over-'love' and over-'hate' things. You start seeing things in balance. And so your heart is more neutral, and your mind is more calm.
A day to remember: the day Daria learned to be an entrepreneur and started her first ever business which she names "Sticky Business", selling stickers she designed on her own. She's been wanting to have her own shop and so I asked her to make me a proposal. After reviewing her many ideas (wallet, clothes, cards, pins, and many others), we agreed on 'stickers'. I also made her propose to me as many designs as possible, and to come up with a concept, color palette, material selection, and voila, her first sticker collection was born. How fun! It was so exciting to see her excited hehe.
Also, we won Best Stand! 👏🏻
I remember when I was in high school, my friend was dating an older guy who was a psychologist. We all hung out together one day. The next day, my friend told me, that her boyfriend told her, "I think Diana lacks attention and love from her family". As a high schooler, I had no idea what he was even saying. I just responded with a confused face and brushed it off. But I still remember that remark. I have no clue what gave it away to make him draw such a conclusion of me, but yes, he was right all along.
Life isn't perfect. Nobody is perfect. But things can be improved and become better. I cannot control how others act, but I can control how I want to live my life today and tomorrow. I cannot change others, but I can change myself. I cannot change the past, but I can make a change by breaking the cycle.
Today I feel as light as a feather. Perhaps it is time to fly once again.
Oh, wow. The day you read a quote and say, "oh, so it is a thing, this thing I've been feeling all this time".
