My Little S

I haven't shared much about Shahmeer lately. Not sure why. Probably because life with autism is hard, or very hard, that I just end up rarely talking about it. There are many times when I share about our struggles to another person but the response I get leaves me feeling worse so over time I end up thinking that "not talking about it" actually feels better. I get it. I get it that not many people get it. And so people often don't know what to say, or how to respond. But as a society, learning about things you don't understand is an act of love and kindness. You cannot always expect other people to educate you. Get educated yourself. My son stims so much by making loud high-pitch noises like a squeal that never ends the whole day, it actually really hurts my ears that I get migraine every day. To be honest, it drives a person insane. One day I ended up buying earbuds to wear at home, to reduce the noise I get in my ears, and when I told my mom about it, she laughed. She laughed because she thought it was funny. But you see, it's not funny at all. And it hurts to go through so much but have nobody understand. I am tired of people literally saying to my face, "I hope you find a cure for Shahmeer", as if autism is a form of illness that can be cured. It's just how he is. He's born different. Imagine saying to someone with one leg, "I hope you grow another leg". It's the same. It's wrong and oblivious. I realize that I have shrunk myself a little, feeling less "big and loud" as I usually was, because I feel for my son. It aches me to see how the world sees so little of him and views autism in such a dismissive light. Nowadays I talk less, I share less, I live in my own beautiful world that is my little family. I love my children so much and to actually have one of my own be misunderstood, or ignored, or not included in cousins outings, is an attack to my body and soul and whole being. I am still learning to be stronger and better, for me and for him. Right now, my light is dimmer than usual and that's the reality. 💖