Keep Breathing

So I was watching Grace VanderWaal's audition video on Youtube, and if you guys watch until the end, you'll find Ingrid Michaelson's "Keep Breathing" song being played in the background. Now this song, made me take a trip to a few years ago of my life. In fact, this song was a soundtrack to a defining moment in my life.

It was when I was studying in Malaysia, doing my Masters. I met a guy who kept messing with my head. This guy was ridiculously irritating. I didn't like his presence, but I would look for him when he wasn't around. This guy was just wrong in so many ways. He was not my type, he was from a totally different background, he was not supposed to be. Just not, because I already had a boyfriend back in Jakarta.

 ♬ "The storm is coming.." ♬

I was really upset because I didn't like the way I felt. I was really confused. So I jogged a lot, as weird as that sounds. I would jog around my campus every single day after my classes were over. And while I jogged, I would put on Ingrid Michaelson's "Keep Breathing" song on my iPod on repeat. It was my way of actually breathing and figuring out my own feelings.

 ♬ "The storm is coming

but I don't mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.
All that I know is I'm breathing now." ♬

I guess, my heart had just changed. It needed a while for me to accept the fact that perhaps, I had fallen in love with this other guy. I never intended to, but love naturally grows where it is meant to, when it is meant to. And I, became the soil that allowed the love tree to grow. I allowed the feelings to grow and take over my body because I believed it was the most honest, natural and right thing to happen. I ended my relationship with my then boyfriend back in Jakarta, and everyone was unhappy of the decision.

My bestfriends were angry, some called me names, another even decided to end our friendship. I understood that I had hurt a lot of people in the equation, but I also understood that "right" and "wrong" are simply a matter of perception. I am wrong in some ways, but I am also right in many other ways. I believe that in love, one must be honest. My heart was honestly in love with this other guy, so why should I lie and live a lie?

So life continued, and the new "we" happened. While everybody in KL was happy for us because they had always seen it coming (they said), my friends in Jakarta were the opposite. But I accepted that, and I felt that these friends of mine just needed some time to eventually understand. And they did. And I eventually married this wrong guy after all. I married S.

What is the moral of the story here? I guess, it's about listening to your own heart, because your heart always knows the truth. Even though it might be difficult, it is the right thing to do. I never intended to hurt my then boyfriend, but if my heart said that he was not the one, why should I force myself to feel what I didn't feel just because my bestfriends think we were the cutest couple in the world? Love is a real thing, marriage is even more. Don't fall in love with the perfect guy. Fall in love with the right guy. Be real with your own feelings. And if you're still figuring things out, perhaps go jogging to clear your mind. Ingrid Michaelson's "Keep Breathing" song might help you too.

xoxo